Dear (Blue Cross, Blue Shield, Red-Hot Fireplace Poker) of (California, Northern Hell Zone, the Former First World),
I have been your (victim, lackey, guinea pig, source of lifeblood, prey) for _________ years. As you can imagine, I felt pretty (screwed, f**ked, rogered, special) when I received my bill for a (massive, insane, hatstand, idiotic, patently illogical, fartastic) increase in my bill this month.
Thing is, I don’t remember receiving any more “coverage” than usual. If I’d had the (toe massages, deep cranial bluelight therapy, boner pills), the chocolate (enema, infusions, imaging sessions, pharmacology treatments), or the (monkey, double-monkey hot-oil, Rush Limbaugh) lap dance, I think I’d remember.
(Do you administer the general or local anesthesia with the lap dance? That could explain things.)
Meantime, I’ve still got my (numerous, explosive, bumpy) health problems. I’m waiting on coverage for my (tonsil, hair, intestinal) condition, (mental, species, political party) reassignment surgery and (earlobe, fang, clavicle) implants. Mom’s feet are still (growing, black, reversed), but she’s always been a real (joker, soldier, Nazi, princess), so no one really (cares, picks up on the joke, vacuums).
After Two-For-One (Jagermeister, shot-luge, Fight) Night down at the bar, my fella had an incident with a nearsighted intern at the ER. Now he wishes someone could fix him: switch back his (kidneys, large intestine, mind, big toes, n*ts) and his (ears, small intestine, heart, pinky toes, d*ck), so he can once again (drive the truck, play the piano, raise the flag, “raise the flag”).
Guess I should tell you, we’re expecting a (shipment, whole mess, flock, delivery) of (not-so-little ones, parakeets, flying monkeys, armed undocumented farm workers) to arrive later this year. I have a lot of (noisy, colorful, crawling, machete-wielding) reasons to work out this money thing with you.
Don’t make me (wait, come down there, have to kill you, darken your door, send one of my internationally-trained heavies), you (insert personalized insult or slur here).
(Yours in Rage, With Dark Thoughts, I Certainly Hope You Die Soon),