Instructions Have Changed

Welcome aboard Flight 1425, service from Portland to Ontario, continuing on to Phoenix. Please pay attention as we describe the security procedures onboard this aircraft. These procedures have recently changed.

Sir? Sir, we mean you.

Ma’am, I’ll just take that. Your phone. This is mine now.

This aircraft has six exits, two for crew only, four of which are now fully armed. You don’t need to know what that means.

We’re equipped with four onboard lavatories. Please do not approach the forward lavatories at any point during this flight. If you are selected for admission to the forward lavatories, a crew member will approach you personally.

Do not initiate contact with a crew member at any point during this flight.

Please remain in your seat with your seat belt securely fastened, and your tray table in the upright and locked position. To fasten your seat belt, insert the flat end into the buckle and pull the slack until you hear the click. This process is not complete until you hear the click. Also, your buckle should now be slightly glowing.

Sir, if you lost some weight you’d be able to see it. Right? (wink)

Your tray table Lock light should be activated at this time. If it is not, your seat will start to hum within a few minutes. You’ll feel the heating process begin soon afterward. Do not unfasten your seatbelt.

We did warn you.

If at any time during this flight we experience a loss of cabin pressure, a mask will drop from the compartment above you. Please take care to secure this mask on your own face before assisting your neighbors or dependents with theirs.

Due to reductions in our corporate budget, not all passengers will receive oxygen through these masks. We apologize for any inconvenience. Our actuaries tell us that the solution we now provide onboard our flights is convenient, cost-effective, and efficient. If you have questions, please dial the 800 number printed on the card in your seat-back pocket.

In the unlikely event of a water landing, you may use your seat cushion as a flotation device. Each seat is also equipped with a life vest, which slips over your head. Life vests now auto-inflate for your safety.

Sir, do not deploy your life vest at this time. Can someone …? Thanks.

If you’re seated in an exit row, you agree to act not only in compliance with the rules and regulations of this aircraft, but to supplemental codes and procedures in the manual located in your headrest. Please take a moment to review it.

If you are seated in an exit row and are not willing to discharge your duties, we will know by the time I finish this sentence.

Ma’am, the box under exit row seat 12B is … don’t touch that.

Beverage service will begin approximately 45 minutes after takeoff. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belt is fastened and the area around your feet is completely clear. If you’re in an exit row, ensure nothing is touching the box in front of you, certainly not near the vials, the vial in exit row seat 12b, can I get a hand here?

Ma’am, under no circumstances should you open the vi

….

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